To the Compass Staff.

I would like to complain about the Page 5 of your publication.  This sort of thing is a crass attempt to pander your newspapers to people who wouldn’t normally purchase them.

I’m all for capitalism, but seriously, using these poor girls to sell your papers?  Shameful.

The Page 5 publications are a longstanding tradition of the London Compass and will not be discontinued. Many of Britain’s actresses, singers and models have launched their careers through the Page 5 photographs.  We’re proud to continue to run Page 5, and have a long list of unsolicited applications to sort through every week.

–London Compass

Facts and Opinions

Dear Compass,

Mr Callahan’s letters are entertaining, but no one I know takes them seriously. While Mr Marcus’ words were harsh, they tend to echo my own sentiments.

Mr Callahan, thank you for making me smile, but please, stop taking this so seriously.

Edda Kepling

Facts and Opinions

I should open this letter saying how displeased I am with the editors of the London Compass for printing Mr. Johnathan Marcus’s assault on my person.  Despite his claims to the contrary, I have sent in requests for the Parlimentary Budget Allowances under the Freedom of Information Act.

As Mr. Marcus states, there is no allowances for this conspiracy, but I had no expectation of finding anything in the budgets.

A secret agency is not very useful if their spending is part of the public record.  Likely their budget has been hidden in the mass of MI5 projects struck out under the Official Secrets Act.

Regardless of this paperwork, I have continued my surveillance of these collared ghost hunters.  After several weeks, I’ve managed to narrow down the locations they most often appear at, and when they appear.  I’ll not include my timetables here, as I’m certain that members of this agency read the Compass regularly.

However, given my timetable, I was able to follow one of these agents for an evening, as they stopped at various landmarks throughout the city.  Starting in Whitechapel, at the site of the Ripper’s murders, to several lesser known hauntings in the back alleys, to Baker Street, and finally at Highgate Cemetery.

Unfortunately, I lost my quarry in the Leystone district.  However I am encouraged by this improvement, and I will continue my investigation.

Godfrey Callahan
Investigative Reporter

Facts and Opinions, Godfrey Callahan

In the week since my last letter, I’ve been doing some of my best investigation around these “Agents” of the UK’s supernatural conspiracy (See previous letter, Conspiracy in Collars, pub 2000.09.20 )

These golden collared miscreants work mostly at night, stopping around some of the more haunted places in the City.  I spent many a late night staking out some of the area’s haunted hot spots.

Twice I had witnessed a pair of golden collared gentlemen enter Highgate Cemetery well after midnight, well after the cemetery’s gates had been shuttered.

Additionally, I have personally witnessed several of these gold collars be admitted to the Tower of London well after visiting hours were over, often waiting several hours before they emerged. Speaking with the Yeoman Wardens have given me no additional information, stonewalling all my inquiries.

This conspiracy of gold collars does exist, and I will uncover the truth.

Godfrey Callahan
Investigative Reporter

Facts and Opinions, Godfrey Callahan

Dear Compass,

Last week you published a letter by a Mr. Godfrey Callahan, describing an ongoing conspiracy to keep Londoners in the dark about various supernatural events happening in our fine city.

Having been employed in Civil Service for the better part of fifty years, I can honestly say that a Conspiracy of Silence within the government is laughable.  Between the changes in policy when a new party comes to power (and the considerable amount of uncovered dirty laundry when that happens), and the constant documentation that all bureaucracies produce, there is no chance for any sort of Secret Government Agency to hide the supernatural.

If Mr. Callahan would check the available public records and do a little research, he’d find there is no record of any funds being assigned by Parliament for any sort of “Secret Agency”, the concept is purely laughable.

Let’s not even delve into the idea of someone wearing gold collars and carrying around swords and axes.  This is a modern city, that sort of behavior tends not to go unnoticed.  Please, give some credit to the people who live here, they’re not all blind to the facts.

If you’d like my opinion, I’d say Mr. Callahan needs to speak with a trained professional to deal with the delusions and conspiracy theories he holds so dear.

I’ve also no doubt that he’ll try and label me as part of the conspiracy in a following letter.

Sincerely,

Johnathan Marcus
MI5, Retired

Facts and Opinions