Submitted October 4th, 2000 by Editor
Dear Miss Phoebe,
I need some relationship advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have a house together and are due to get married next June.
I have recently discovered that he has run up several large debts that he doesn’t believe he can pay off. I offered to take the money out of the mortgage to pay off his debts, as long as he was willing to put the money back.
Since then, I’ve had several blackouts, waking up to him staring at me demanding to know where I’ve been and who I’ve been with. I don’t remember anything, but I’m certain that these episodes are related to his debts.
Do you have any advice you can offer me?
- Not a Party Girl
Dear Party Girl,
Blacking out, no memory? And after all those debts have been “paid off”? Sounds like to me you’re sleepwalking, likely due to the stress that his irresponsible spending is doing to your mortgage.
First off, see a doctor. Then get yourselves some couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, put some salt in your pockets and make sure the elves aren’t spiriting you away each night as part of the payoff. (Just kidding, but seriously. Doctor, then counseling. )
– Miss Phoebe
Miss Pheobe, Sage Advice
Submitted October 4th, 2000 by Editor
Dear Miss Phoebe,
Two years ago I moved my elderly parents into my home to look after them. They are 64 and 85 and both physically well. I am a 37 years old male, gay, and in a serious relationship. My mother has hated my father for years and he blames her (unfairly) for how I’ve turned out.
I’m started to feel the strain of their constant verbal assaults on both each other and my lifestyle. It’s a sad thing when a grown man, old enough to have children of his own, feels he can’t have his own partner come to his house due to his parents’ overwhelming disapproval.
I feel trapped and desperate to get out but I feel can’t leave her with him.
Do I have to be cruel and send them away my own benefit? I love my mother, and don’t feel right leaving her with a man she hates so much. Is life taking revenge on him?
Dear Frustrated,
Oh totally! Karma is completely throwing the sticky brown stuff into your father’s life at the end of his twilight years.
However, on an actual serious note. Your parents have deeper underlying issues, your relationship, and furthermore, your sexuality is not actually a centerpiece of these issues, rather it’s ammunition used to throw at each other.
Now I’m just an Agony Aunt, and not a licensed Psychotherapist, but even I can see that your parents, elderly as they are, need to see a professional about this problem.
On another note, have you tried talking to either parent about the issues? Do they blame the other for the friction? It could just be a case of you needing to set the rules for them as strongly as they did for you when you were a child. A case of “My House, My rules” might just be what they need for you to be able to be yourself again.
– Miss Phoebe
Miss Pheobe, Sage Advice
Submitted September 27th, 2000 by Editor
Dear Miss Phoebe,
My friend (And Maid of Honor) has been off the dating scene since I’ve known her. She’s a wonderful, outgoing girl with a passionate sense of fun. But she never goes out, it’s always work, or something else comes up.
I’ve tried to set her up with male friends of my fiancé in the past, but she usually begs off. Often citing work as the excuse.
I work with her, we have the same job, and yet I find myself with a lot of spare time. Yet, I want her to be happy, a lot of times she seems like she’s hiding from herself, and others.
Frustrated by Redheads
Dear Frustrated,
It sounds to me that your friend is having trouble relating to other people. Perhaps you’re introducing her to the wrong “type”?
Are you even certain that she’s into men? Could the work excuse be a way to politely avoid coming out of the closet?
Or, it could be that she’s content to stay single for the time being. Or even, she’s seeing someone and hasn’t told you yet.
There’s a lot of reasons people avoid relationships, it could be any number of things.
However, I wouldn’t fret. Usually when someone is avoiding relationship it’s for a good reason.
I wouldn’t push men at her right now. Give her a few months of space, and perhaps, if she’s still acting anti-social, suggest an group outing. Or even a girls night out. There’s plenty of places in the city that a couple of women can get into trouble without their men.
– Miss Phoebe
Miss Pheobe, Sage Advice
Submitted September 27th, 2000 by Editor
Dear Miss Phoebe,
My best friend keeps talking about my new boyfriend behind his back. She tells me that he’s no good, that he’s cheating on me, we’ll break up soon. Worse, she goes around town telling the same to other people, as if she knows everything because she’s my friend. I don’t want to be rude, but I need her to stop the gossip. What can I do?
Annoyed at Small Talk
Dear Annoyed,
Is there any chance that your friend is correct? If so, have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Ask her to tell you every reason why she’s saying what she does. Listen, and thank her. Then think it over. Once she’s spoken her mind, perhaps she will stop.
If she’s making things up, it’s possible that she’s worried that your new boyfriend is going to monopolize your time and she’ll lose you as a friend.
The worst that can happen is that these allegations are true, and she’s aware of them because she’s the one he’s sleeping with.
Not to cause more drama, but think about it.
– Miss Phoebe
Miss Pheobe, Sage Advice
Submitted September 20th, 2000 by Editor
Dear Miss Phoebe,
I have been going out with my boyfriend for two years now, and I need some advice about our relationship.
In our first year we never argued or rowed and now we can’t seem to stop.
I found out that he cheated on me in the first couple of months of our relationship. His excuse was that he wasn’t certain if he loved me then. Now he says that he loves me and would never stray. Recently I feel like I’m over reacting at a lot of little things, then take it out on him. For example, he likes to see his friends on the weekends, he always takes me with him, but sometimes I just want some alone time, talking to him about this almost always devolves into a huge row.
I feel like I may be wasting my life on a relationship which isn’t going anywhere.
Help?
Confused but Not Alone
Dear Confused,
Arguments like this show that you do love this man, and have a lot of passion to argue so much and stick by him. Either you’re completely off your trolley, or the sex is amazing.
Your best bet is to sit down with your man well before the next weekend with his friends, and have it out with him. Plan a romantic weekend, buy yourself something sexy, and let him make the choice between you and a weekend alone, or hanging out with his mates.
Depending on his decision, you’ll have your answer, and you might just find a way to direct that passion into something other than an argument.
– Miss Phoebe
Miss Pheobe, Sage Advice
